Arora

This girl and I hooked up one night, and then again. So I’m thinkin’ “sweet! Here we goooo!!!”

Recently I called her to hang and she gave me one of those “sure, wanna go for dinner? I have to run some errands if you’d like to come with!”

She knows I have a girl, but I was still a little wigged out. Is she feelin’ me? Should I be worried?

Charlie S

Answer

I get more relationship questions than anything else. C’mon guys. C’mon.

and YES!! BE WORRIED! She’s DEFINITELY diggin’ you dude!

BUT it’s all your fault.

You’ve got a girl. Fine.

She knows you got a girl. Fine.

But did you tell her BEFORE engaging in the shameless act of adultery that it wasn’t going to go anywhere passed that? Did you? DID YOU? NO, DICK!

Girls are like guys; they’re out for themselves. If I were hooking up with a girl that I knew had a man, I wouldn’t care! (So long as the guy wasn’t my boy - Guy Code) But my ultimate goal is to get ass and end it there.

Girls are a little less sleazy. Most of them want to be committed and therefore will play their cards to that goal. You should really man the fuck up and tell her exactly this:

“Hey, just so we’re on the same page, this is as far as this can go. You’re cool with that right? I don’t want either of us to get hurt.”

“..this is as far as this can go.” Straight to the point. Don’t dance around it.

“You’re cool with that right?” It’s a sales tactic, leans the subject to agree with you.

“I don’t want either of us to get hurt.” This doesn’t create dominance, rather lets her believe you’re as vulnerable to getting hurt as she is.

And above all, its completely honest.

Girls just don’t wanna be lied to, brotholemew. Statistics prove you’re a lot more likely to hook up with her if you just tell her what she’s getting into.

Ehh? Ehh ehh???? Good right?? Now quit being a dick and leading girls on.

Question? ASK HERE…or at the top of the page.

FUTH: Actually Ironic

This is FUCKING FUNNY!

Click here to view the embedded video.

More FROM UNDER THE HAT

1000 Words: The Beauty That was MySpace

Remember when MySpace was the leading networking site? Everyone who was anyone[under 20] had a MySpace account. It was a great place to meet people, set up events, meet people, harmlessly flirt with classmates, and meet people!

And of course the power it held shat on itself, eventually leading the site to become a breading ground for virtual STDs. Awesome!

Alas I digress… I was apart of that MySpace craze when it first came out. I blasted pictures of getting tanked and said “wuttup girl, ugghh!” to any hot piece of ace that was within driving distance of my area code.

Once I spoke to this girl for about a week. She was dope! Great personality, cute face, awesome sense of humor. I was also coming out of a 3-year relationship, and that was after already rockin’ with MySpace for a year as a bachelor! It was like being five and allowed to go back to the bottle! NIPPLES!

This girl was really somethin’. And I’m sorry I can’t give names cuz I’m not as much of a dick as Charlie (that dude with the question). What I remember most was how funny she was! She laughed at everything, and on top, she wanted it baaaaad. …then again every girl on MySpace did.

But, I forgot to remember the most important bit of detail out of the entire equation; I met her on MySpace. I’m gonna stop the story here and let you see what I’m talking about.

and from the art of cropping…

This isn’t really her, but you get the point.

More pictures worth 1000 Words

I seriously, SERIOUSLY want a 12inch penis. I’ve tried everything from pumps, pills, to the spray. My girlfriend says she noticed a difference in my performance! But not in size… which caused me to be sad and perform weak again. Crumb.

Is there really any possible way to get a 12 inch dick?

Anonymous [for obvious reasons]

Answer

Pay good attention to this brother, because this is the final stamp on dick enlargement:

There is absolutely no possible way to add inches to your penis.

Here are explanations to the most commonly known “methods.”

Herbs / Pills / Pharmaceutical

UGLY TRUTH: They don’t work. The key ingredients to them are vasodilators which forces an extensive amount of blood into your blood vessels, thus maximizing Senior Pecker’s true potential. But it doesn’t actually add anything more that you don’t already have.

UPSIDE: The over-the-counter herbal remedies aren’t so terrible for you. They usually include key ingredients good for your prostate (ie: Saw Palmetto, Pumpkinseed oil, Red Clover etc.) and keepin’ your prostate in good shape is very beneficial to your peepee!

Stretching

This is a pretty popular method that isn’t talked about in the open all that much. A lot of guys will add weights (not like the gym, dumbass) to their cyclops. That stretches the skin out in hopes to slowly add length.

UGLY TRUTH: Though some people say they’ve gotten a couple centimeters, It hasn’t been proven to work yet. More importantly, you can very easily cause irreversible damage to your nerves and vessels, thus causing a completely opposite result.

UPSIDE: Some dudes use their hands (hand stretching). Chances are you’re not gonna pull hard enough, long enough to inflict pain.. unless you’re into that sort of thing.

Pumps

UGLY TRUTH: They don’t have any sort of permanent side effect to your dick.. REPHRASE: They don’t have any positive permanent side effect to your Yogurt Slinger. As in, they can also cause nerve or blood vessel damage.

UPSIDE: It can make for a good sex toy.. if you’re into that sort of thing.

SURGICAL

UGLY TRUTH: You can surgically add inches to Goliath. All you have to do is use a needle to apply local anesthesia, cut that shit off with a knife, stitch on a dead guy’s shaft, and wait a month for the scars to heal and the circumcision-like pain to subside. Oh, and insurance wont cover it… and there’s a good chance it’ll ruin the sensory nerves… AWESOME!

UPSIDE: …It works!

Weightloss

UGLY TRUTH: For every 20lbs you lose, you’ll add about half an inch! The bad part; it doesn’t work if you gain weight on purpose.

UPSIDE: Being in shape is extremely good for your libido, from maximizing your size and stamina, to giving your the false confidence that you’re good-looking enough to approach a girl. Ehh?!!!

That’s it, fella. You can’t realistically add length that isn’t already there. But you can maximize your potential. Arora’s Advice: take all that energy you’ve been wasting and learn how to be a sex god. That’s what really matters.

If all else fails, do what Arora did to make his dick 12 inches: fold it in half…. BAZING!

Question? ASK HERE…or at the top of the page.

FUTH: Men and BlowJobs

FIgured I’d stay on topic and post Last Friday’s show at The New York Comedy Club… good times!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Like it? Vote me FUNNY at my FunnyOrDie page. Thanks!

More FROM UNDER THE HAT

1000 Words: Pictures with Santa

It being the holidays and all, why not post the kind of holiday pictures people love most: kids crying on Santa’s lap!

…

…and of course, Arora and fam

Happy Holidays Errryone

I was reading a book trying to learn all the right moves for a date, and before I finished, I wanted to throw my face through a wall covered in fire ants.

Why are there so many do’s and don’ts to a date? Can’t I just be myself, tell her who I am and see if we’re compatible? If I order my food before her, is that really going to break the deal? God Damn iT!!

Roooaaaarr, NJ

Answer:

Sorry to disappoint you, bromigo, but yes. If you order your food before her; foul.

Guys don’t consciously acknowledge this but when you’re on a date with a girl, she’s mentally keeping a score card of all your moves. The points are as followed:

You’re score begins with 0.

For every good move you make, you’ll get a point. ie: holding the door, offering a taste of your dish, etc.

For every mistake you make, she’ll deduct a point. ie: blowing your nose at the table, a bad tip, etc.

Cash Points: When a single move earns multiple points. ie: “Unintentionally” calling her by a nickname her parents use to.

Blast Points: When a single move costs you multiple points. ie: “Unintentionally” calling her by a nickname her parents use to.

You see, broweiser; a girl is looking for one thing when on a date - comfort. It’s your job to provide that comfortable atmosphere no matter where you are. That means YOU need to be comfortable on your own at all times. Which is completely fair. You don’t have rape or a mugging to deal with every time you walk down the street. And on a date, the last thing on your mind is I hope this bitch doesn’t tie me up and burn my pupils with my cigarettes. Those things are expensive! You follow?

These teeny, tiny, tedious little moves are what girls judge their safety on - both physical and emotional. And dude, if that’s your ticket to a great time, consider yourself lucky.

Who you are falls into the other scorecard. I’d help, but thats all you, guy.

Have a question? Just ASK

My girl just discovered that I pee in the shower. Now she’s all flippin’ out on me saying she doesn’t feel comfortable showering in that bathroom anymore. What the fuck? How do I get her to relax and see it’s not a big deal?

You’re Penn State Piss-Pal

Brotherman,

It’s really not a big deal. I mean urine has ammonia in it, which technically means it cleans because it kills germs. In fact did you ever hear to cure a jelly fish sting, the best thing to do is to pee on it?

I recently learned that’s actually an old wives tale, but you could totally see the logic and why it’s believable! Anyway, I’m not going to tell you to stop peeing in the shower; it all goes down the same drain and you’d be more of a moron for walking out the shower to use the toilet. Then again, maybe you should try that and see how much she likes walking in puddles every time it’s her turn. Ha!

Otherwise, what you could try is not doing it while she’s in there with you.  

Arora,

My P.O.S. Taurus broke down about three weeks back and I’ve been sucking it up with public transportation ever since. I’m getting ready to buy a new car, but I’ve always wanted to get a bike, and it’s much cheaper than a car anyway.

Good idea?

Chappaqua, NY

Answer:

Bikes are pretty sweet and personally I like crotch rocket over Harleys. The problem is people who buy them are usually f*cking idiots and are in no way prepared for one. Here’s a few things to consider if you’re thinking of buying a bike:

Is it always Summer, all the time?

If you’re living in Upstate, New York you probably have pretty brutal winters. Maybe not as brutal as Albany or Buffalo but you’re sure as shit not sporting hawaiian shirts all year long. Are you really going to want to ride during the winter?

Is it usually a One-Man-Show?

If you’re doing it up alone almost all the time then no worries. But if you’ve got a girlfriend (or 7), or more - a family, getting everyone around on a bike is going to get irritating quick. Most people hate just having to put up with a 2door for that reason.

Is there a Wal-Mart within walking distance?

Motorcycles don’t have trunks.

Do you drink, occasionally do drugs, or have a shitty driving record?

Ask anyone who drinks or smokes and most will tell you they’ve sucked it up and driven home under the influence at least once before. You’re chances of surviving a bike accident are far less than a car accident. Be honest with yourself. Don’t be an asshole.

Do you live in a Gat Zone?

It’s a lot easier to steal a bike than it is a car. Do you want to risk it? Are you prepared to pay more for the coverage?

How good is your car insurance? Life insurance?

With what I mentioned above about theft and mortality rate, both your car and health insurance can be effected.

How long is your commute to work?

If you work from home or down the block, no big deal. But If you’re commuting to the city everyday, thats a long time spent on the bike and in a helmet that you could spend in a car with a heater and music.

Can you pull it off?

Imagine an of these guys on a bike

Just making a point.

QUESTION? …Answer.

Why Is Santa so Mad on Xmas? (A Freakin’ Funny Video… to some)

This is one of those videos some people will find funny, others sad and mean… I think it’s pretty freakin’ hysterical!

Click the link..  http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/65261/

Remember Tori?

Tori Scott from Saved By The Bell. I watch the show every morning and thought I’d find out, because… I thought she was kinda hot. Eh?

Well, doesn’t do me any good. Her real name is Leanna Creel and she’s a lesbian. Aint that some shit. She’s also a writer, director, and producer. Imagine that? ..She’s also a triplet! So many accomplishments!

.

.

CK ad gets more attention than intended.

You’ve probably come across a couple of reports about the Calvin Klein ad released over the summer (2009). This has got to be one of the most obnoxiously grotesque forms of advertising I’ve ever had the “privilege” of looking at every day to and from Scholastic Media in SoHo. What the flying fuck were they coming off of at Klein? MaxHardcore?

Glued way up high above Lafayette and Broadway in one of the more Posh sides of downtown NYC was this Calvin Klein Jeans ad. When I first saw it I thought, “oh, dude making out with chic on a couch.” Which very soon became, “wait, dude making out with chic on a couch, who’s making out with his twin?” Then finally, “No! twins gang a chic while triplet gets ready to jack off on the floor of high school orgy!”

Now I know guys innocently enjoy their share of child porn, that is, when they can smuggles any of it into their cell. But I never knew those same guys were making 6 figure salaries working for some of the biggest fashion companies in the world! Why the fuck did Arora get a Bachelor of Science degree when he just as easily could have taken pictures at a prom party, slapped on a decal and made millions! Woa is me…woa!

See what else is Under The Hat

A Picture’s Worth a Thousand’s Words

Yep… this is exactly what you think it is… awesome.

See what other pictures are worth A Thousand Words

The women that receive the honor of making the list are the best of the best - the elite. They’re shaved down from dozens - hundreds.. Sexy hair and lips, hourglass curves,mmmm……

These are the women of Arora’s Top 5. These, are the most beautiful women in the world (besides Ma and his sisters.True story).

Proceed…

Admiral Johnson

Admiral Winky

Apple Headed Monster

The Bald Avenger

Bavarian Beefstick

Bearded Burgler

All Beef Thermometer

Bologna Pony

Binford

Captain Kielbasa

Charleston (Chew)

Charlie Russell the One-Eyed Muscle

Chicksicle

Chief of Staff

Chubbs

The Chubby Conquistador

Chunky

Clam Digger

Crank Shaft

Cream Spritzer

Crimson Darth Vador

The Crippler

Cupid’s Arrow

Curious George

Custard’s Cannon

Cyclops

Daddy Long Strokes

Danger The Ranger

Dipstick

Doughnut Holder

Dr. Feelgood

Earlyworm

Earthworm Jim

Easy Rider

Egg Beater

Eggroll

Elmer (The Glue Shooter)

Everlast

Excalibur

Fat Albert

Frank n’ Beans

Giggle Stick

Godzilla

Gravy Maker

Hammer of Thor

Hercules

Homo-erectus

The Impregnator

The Incredible Bulk

The Italian Stallion

Jack in the Box

Jerkin’ Gherkin’

Johnny Cricket

Jingle Bone

Jolly Green Giant

Kick Stand

Houdini

Jack’s Beanstalk

Jack Hammer

Komodo

Kosher Pickle

Lickerish Stick

Lincoln Log

Long Dong Silver

Love Torpedo

Magic Johnson

Main Vein

Mandingo

Mayo Cannon

Meat n’ Potatoes

Middle Leg

The Molten Mushroom

Mr. Bigglesworth

Mr. Goodbar

Mr. Magoo

The Octagon

Old Faithful

Oliver Twist

One Eyed Wonder Weasel

Optimus Prime

Ovarian Pool Stick

Palm Pilot

Pee Wee

Pig in a Blanket

Pink Floyd

The Pink Oboe

Pleasure Piston

Plunger

Pocket Rocket

Pogostick

Pope John Pole III

Pop-eye

Prick

Prince Everhard of the Netherlands

Puff the Magic Dragon

Purple-Headed Yogurt Slinger

The RamBurgler

Rumpleforeskin

Scepter of Sodomy

Scooby Snack

Shaft

Sir Charles

Skin Flute

Spurt Reynolds

Stretch Armstrong

Super Soaker

Taco Warmer

Tallywhacker

Third Arm of Justice

Thinderstick

Thrill Drill

Tinkie Winkie

Totem Pole

Tronbone

Trouser Snake

Trouser Trout

Turd Burgler

Twig n’ Giggleberries

Uncle Remus

Veinus Maximus

Waldo

Wang

Wanker

Weapon of Ass Destruction

Vlad the Impaler

Of course, tis the season and thus AskArora.com is on vacation. So I just wanted to take the time out thank everyone that felt free to seek advice from a genius. But if they didn’t answer, you can always come to me! Ha!

Feel Free to go ahead and ask questions I’ll still answer them ASAP, but it most likely will be written personally to you.

Till Spring, keep an eye out for my short films, short stories, and other works of the one and only - ArorA!

Life’s short. Wear heals.

What You’ll Need: It’s called suits, take a wild fucking guess…

Before You Start: Everyone should have a drink of their choice. Then deal everyone a card face up until a spade is dealt. That person is the dealer.

How its Played:

1. The Dealer begins by calling out a suit, then dealing a card to everyone until that suit shows up.
2. That player must drink for the amount of seconds valued on the card.
3. **Before the player touches his glass down to the table, he must call the next suit! If not, he will drink the card value again.